The most exciting part of the NFL schedule release was unquestionably the slate of games we can look forward to on Thursday Night Football. The start of the NFL week, a chance to see who has an edge entering the weekend, an unassailable opportunity to take advantage of “Thirsty Thursday” specials when bars are finally allowed to re-open while vaguely paying attention to live sports on a TV screen.
Flowery intros aside, we know why you’re here. You want that deep, critically-important, hard-hitting NFL schedule analysis we live and die for. We got you.
1: Chiefs vs Texans: Every sign points to this being an unmitigated bloodbath. You have the Chiefs, defending Super Bowl champions, obliterator of many, destroyer of all. Then you have the Texans, who, well … they’re the Texans. A year ago this would have been one of the most exciting games of the year, then Houston went all coo-coo bananas and found stunning ways to get worse in the offseason. So … yeah.
T13: Browns vs Bengals: Ooooh, and in-state Ohio throw down. This means one thing: Both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Dolphins vs Jaguars: Tua vs. Duaval. Sorry for that horrible pun. At least it wasn’t as bad as this game, in which both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Broncos vs Jets: Can either team prove they’re making progress in the AFC? We won’t know from this one, as both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Bears vs Buccaneers: An early national chance to see Tom Brady lead the Bucs. Will their all-in plan pay off? Maybe, but we won’t know from this game because both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Chiefs vs Bills: A big time game between two storied NFL franchises. You know how this one goes. Both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Eagles vs Giants: Nothing is better than an NFC East feud. That’s what we would be saying, but this is TNF. Both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Falcons vs Panthers: A mid-season test that should sort out the contenders from pretenders in the NFC South, but it won’t — because both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Packers vs 49ers: This one could be really good! Oh, who are we kidding? Both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Colts vs Titans: It wasn’t long ago that we’d write off this AFC South divisional game, but …. that won’t change. Both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Seahawks vs Cardinals: High powered offenses in the NFC West. I’d be ready for this one, but it’s a shame both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Cowboys vs Ravens: This one could be great! But it won’t, because both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Patriots vs Rams: A Super Bowl rematch from 2019! Will we learn anything? No. Both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
T13: Chargers vs. Raiders: Los Angeles vs. Las Vegas is going to be fire. Well, it would have been. Both teams were way too tired to play to their full potential, and despite the game being hyped all week, it ended up being a low-scoring letdown.
We need an official song for Thursday Night Football, so sing it with me!
1st Verse
All right, Thursday night
Here are you
Just kickin’ back
From the things that you do
You want the big game
We want it, too
But we won’t because every week is doo doo
2nd Verse
Hey, Jack, it’s a fact
The show’s back in town
No matter what happens it’ll be a let down
So crank up the sound
Hear bored commentators amp up the action
Once again game leaves us with no satisfaction
The NFL’s best have come to play
But not tonight, they needed rest days
Chorus
I been waitin’ all week for Thursday night
But something about this game just doesn’t feel right
Quarterback should be ballin’, but he looks too tight
’Cause I been waitin’ all week for Thursday night
Yea, yea, yeah
Close
Thursday Night Football on NFL Network
I always forget where the channel is at
It’s lodged between home shopping and a show meant for cats
It’s Thursday Night Football, might as well watch this crap!
Oh, it’s Thursday Night Football might as well, watch this crap!
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