SpongeBob SquarePants was Nickelodeon’s best show because of its clever writing and unforgettable characters, but we shouldn’t forget the wild, made-up tests of athleticism constantly on display in Bikini Bottom.
10. Imagination Box
What is it: You sit in a box and pretend there are sports.
Best line: “Imagination.” – SpongeBob
Watchability: 1/10
Why: Too real.Requires a lot of weed.
9. Wall Painting with Obstacles
What is it: Painting a wall covered with framed photos and other mementos. While repainting Mr. Krabs’ house, SpongeBob and Patrick accidentally splash paint on Krabs’ first dollar earned at his restaurant.
Best line: “What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?” – SpongeBob
“Two giant paint bubbles.” – Patrick
Watchability: 6/10
Why: Too much anxiety. Lots of sweating. Lots of crying. Not sure I could do it.
8. Snail Racing
What is it: Literal snails racing. SpongeBob pushes his pet snail, Gary, too hard trying to beat Squidward’s snail, Snellie. They both lose to Patrick’s pet rock.
Best line: “Squidward … Tortellini!?” – Squidward Tentacles
Watchability: 15/10
Why: Snail racing is intense in the same way marble racing is intense. It’s interesting for a minute, but there’s no real drama.
7. Fancy Bubble Blowing
What is it: Blowing ridiculously large, detailed bubbles. SpongeBob blows bubbles in shapes of elephants, ducks and boats. Squidward doesn’t blow a single cool bubble.
Best line: “Stomp on your right foot. Don’t forget it!” -SpongeBob
Watchability: 30/10
Why: Big bubbles sound fun until they pop. They’d prob ably keep me really entertained, but only for like seven minutes, because they’re bubbles.
6. Fishhook Riding
What is it: Sea creatures ride on fishing lines and jump off before they get caught. Patrick convinces SpongeBob to take a work break to meet him at the carnival (spoiler: the carnival is hooks). Patrick is caught and turned into tuna.
Best line: “Mother of Pearl. Fire on the poop deck.” – Mr. Krabs
Watchability: 50/10
Why: This is almost too intense to be enjoyable considering the loser gets eaten. BY US.
5. Alaskan Bullworm Fight
What is it: It’s a wrestling match with a giant worm. Sandy Cheeks, Bikini Bottom’s best all-around athlete, takes on a giant Alaskan Bullworm that was eating everything in town. She won … until realizing she only, uh, beat its tongue. The bullworm eventually fell off a cliff and crushed most of the city.
Best line: “Let’s take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else.” – Patrick Star
Real life watchability: 70/10
Why: Wrestling a giant worm underwater? Not my first choice, but I’d pay to see it.
4. Krabby Patty Contest
What is it: It’s a contest to see who can make 1,000 Krabby Patties first. SpongeBob loses to Atlantis’ best fry cook, King Neptune. But because Spongebob’s single patty didn’t taste like trash, he ultimately won.
Best line: “I think I’d like to try it a second time.” – King Neptune
Watchability: 105/10
Why: Food quality doesn’t matter in this event, and that’s the best part! Cooking for sport sounds hilarious. Bake-off without the taste meaning anything. Speed frying! Look away, FDA.
3. Anchor Toss
What is it: The anchor toss involves Bikini Bottom’s strongest residents competing against each other to see who can throw an extremely heavy anchor the farthest. (Sandy won.)
Best line: “I was a wimp before anchor arms. Now I’m a jerk and everybody loves me.” – A shark on TV
Watchability: 120/10
Why: Ripped fish chucking iron. Give me an oxygen mask and I’m going under.
2. Fry Cook Games
What is it: It’s an Olympic-style competition of undersea activities including the Fry Pole Vault, the Chocolate High Dive and Bun Wrestling. Patrick and SpongeBob compete against each other and eventually draw a truce.
Best line: “My name’s not RICK.” – Patrick
Watchability: 150/10
Why: The Olympics but for sea creatures. Hell, yes.
1. Jellyfishing
What is it: The objective of jellyfishing is to catch as many jellyfish as possible without getting stung. A popular sport in Bikini Bottom, it was introduced in the first season when SpongeBob and Patrick try to teach Squidward how to do it.
Best line from the show: “Firmly grasp it.” – Patrick
Watchability: 200/10
Why: Jellyfishing rules because it requires developing a precise technique and being a master strategist. Do you run directly at the jellyfish? Sneak up on it? How do you protect yourself from getting stung?
Entertaining. As. Hell.
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