It’s been a horrible year for everyone, but things are about to look up for the dads of the world — all thanks to the Oakland Athletics’ new CARGO HAT!
Mock the hat all you want, but this is the dream item dads worldwide have been waiting for. Finally a way to store useful items without the encumbrance of traditional cargo shorts pockets. Let’s face it dads: You already have used up all the pocket real estate in that pair of Lee cargo shorts you bought at a Rugged Warehouse in 2014, which is where this hat steps in to fill the void.
I know all the dads have now left to go and preorder this hat, but in case there are some still on the fence let’s break down what amazing items you could store in a hat like this.
The key to the shed: The small, easy-to-misplace shed keys are a nightmare that has plagued dads for years. They’re never on the hook by the front door where you left them, and always seem to be misplaced one hour before a thunderstorm is set to hit, right when you need to get that grass mowed the most. Normally this problem has to be solved with a pair of bolt cutters to crack the padlock, but one major problem … the bolt cutters are in the dang shed! Store those precious keys in your hat pocket and melt those troubles away!
A nine volt battery: The black sheep of the battery family, the nine volt is one of those annoying batteries you always need at an inconvenient time. Yes, I’m referring to the bane of the dad existence: The smoke alarm. As soon as that battery dies you know the incessant, occasional beeping will absolutely ruin your night, and dammit there is no way you can relax until that battery is changed. Then you open your battery drawer, fumble around for a nine volt, and remember you used the last one to power a toy back on one of the kid’s birthdays. It’s here the cargo hat saves the day. Comfortably holding a backup nine volt, you’ll always be able to ensure your alarm clock stays accurate, even in the case of a power outage.
Dad coupons: This pile of expired, largely-useless savings is the dream board of a dad. Whether it’s for 20% off pressure washing, or a free diagnostic from the HVAC company, these coupons represent the hopes and dreams of a dad to have a well organized, well maintained household system. Most people would just throw these away, but they’re throwing away savings. Laugh at people blowing their money while you enjoy knowing you’re saving $15 on a complete gutter cleaning from Simmons Gutter & Leaf Guard LLC. Instead of losing these pieces of paper gold, you stashed them in your hat — because you’re a smart dad.
A good, strong magnet: Everyone needs a good, strong magnet — and the best place for a good, strong magnet could be your hat pocket. Think about it. You’re hanging a picture and drop a tiny, hard-to-see nail on the floor. Immediately you know nothing good will come of it. Either one of the kids will step on the nail, causing all sorts of hubub, or, even worse, someone will drag their feet over the nail scuffing up the hardwood flooring in the entryway. Say goodbye to these problems with a good, strong magnet. Hold the hat by the brim, sweep it over your workspace and PRESTO, up pops the nail and attaches to your hat. Yet another perfect use for this amazing item.
Loose change: Dads come from the womb with a pocket full of loose change. To this day doctors are mystified by how this comes to pass. As they age there’s a clear gap in the dad market: Where to keep this loose change? Men’s wallets are not designed to carry the load of loose dimes a dad acquires over time, and the center console of the car just isn’t enough. Now, instead of throwing them in an old Ziploc container to eventually be taken to a Coinstar, when dads need to store change they can simply use the built-in hat pocket. It even comes with its own advanced warning system: When you start to feel neck pain from the $17.85 in nickels its time to take those down to your local car wash and get the Suburban cleaned. It’s like a car wash for free! All thanks to Cargo Hat.
The good scissors: This is slightly dangerous, but important things need protecting. The good scissors are the ones saved for critical dad tasks like cutting twine on a bundle of pine needles, or slicing through zip ties. Household scissors always get stolen for craft projects, or general cutting — rendering them lost, or dull when a dad task needs a solid set of reliable scissors. Putting them in your hat pocket guarantees nobody will take the good scissors when you need them the most, keeping them in arm’s reach and razor sharp for all eternity.
That multi-tool you bought with the Eddie Bauer gift card aunt Susan sent you: It was really nice of Susan to give you that gift card for your 50th, but nothing at Eddie Bauer is your style. One thing that’s always your style: Tools. That multi-tool has been a godsend for all sorts of small household tasks that don’t warrant going into the tool box. The loose knob on the kitchen drawer, the box that needs opening, changing the front door numbers to increase visibility, all a snap with that multi-tool. It’ll always be right where you need it when you store it in your cargo hat, forever ensuring these tasks will be addressed in a timely manner.
The SD card with the photos from the family trip to the Grand Canyon: Digital cameras made everything so much easier, but none of those memories are making it to the photo album ever since getting that digital camera. Putting the SD card with the vacation photos on it won’t get them processed, but it’ll keep reminding you that it needs to be done, each and every time you reach into the hat pocket.
A folded up Far Side cartoon: You know that one where the dinosaurs are smoking cigarettes and the caption reads “The real reason dinosaurs became extinct.” That one was hilarious. Every dad needs a good laugh from time to time, and putting that folded, yellowing Far Side cartoon in your hat makes sure the laughs go with you, wherever they’re needed.
Various ticket stubs: You know the big game? Where the team won, and sure the tailgate got rained out — but that just made the afternoon all the more memorable. There’s no way you could possibly remember that without the ticket stub. Sitting alongside your stub to the Rush show in 2004, they sit in your hat, close to your brain, so the memories can be absorbed through osmosis.
An emergency poncho: Carrying an umbrella is just too cumbersome, and fails to protect you from horizontal rain in case there’s a gust of wind. Having a dry, well-folded emergency poncho is your key to staying high, dry and stylish, no matter what the weather throws at you. Of course, not like you’ll need it, because as a dad you’ve checked the Weather Channel at least 34 times this week before going on any trip out of the house, just in case. Being prepared is important though, especially considering how often those idiots get it wrong.
This hat truly is a game changer for dads everywhere. An all-purpose piece of apparel that will immediately improve lives and change how dads carry their critical items. I’d say to rush out and buy one now for your dad, but he’s already preordered a cargo hat — and he used that 5% off coupon for the MLB Store that came on the back of a ticket stub from that game he went to in 2018.
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